by Peter Berryman

December 2004

Deciduous Teeth

Christmas day my real love dispatched in first day to leap eleven madames to my twelve your excellency to dance ten to play the flute to transport nine drummers with the pipeline to beat a drum eight maids to milk seven swans to swim six geese colly to lay aside five golden rings four birds three France hen two turtles doves and a partridge in the ocean pear tree.

Whither Zither for December 2002 (http://members.aol.com/wzither/wzdec02.html) consisted of seasonal songs translated into other languages then back into English by online translating Web sites. An example is above, having gone from English to Chinese and back again. I was scolded for not having exposed my own holiday lyrics to these disrespectful transformations. Therefore, sheepishly, I hereby offer some bits from songs my musical partner Lou and I have written, translated from various languages and back into English, by Alta Vista's automatic Babel Fish Translation page (http://world.altavista.com) With our stuff, the garbled results are usually better than the originals, which is what I was afraid of.

Joanie found a way to drive to
WalMart without making any
Left hand turns you know how hard those
left hand turns can be
There's a couple blocks she has to
Loop around to do it but it's
Worth it for convenience being
Nearly hassle-free

She may design a booklet made for
Left-hand-turn-aphobics having
Maps on which the left hand turn
Alternatives are shown
Aside from that there's nothing really
Happened we can think of, oh, and
Gary has the job he's had for
Years and so does Joan...

Here's that verse translated into Chinese then back into English:

Joanie had discovered a way drives
WalMart not to make any
Left handwheel. You knew the how hard these
left handwheels possibly are.
Has her to have to cause
Cheng Huan to make it but it the
S value it for the convenience willfully
Nearly is barrier husbands and wives the block.

Perhaps she designs the booklet to do has for
Left handwheel aphobics
The left handwheel choice the map which demonstrated.
Any truly has our there' except that
Outside; S possibly thought.
Oh, had him with Gallie to eat the year
And therefore made Joan the work...

The dog is dozing, the stores are closing
I find I'm standing by a laundromat
On Christmas in the snow
Where elevators are bringing waiters
Who warm their burgers in the dryers for a Starlet on the go

& when she goes on without her clothes on
She flies an open cockpit monoplane through Uncle Scrooge's eye
While from the sidewalk I hear the sweet talk
That comes from coconuts with baby teeth Who love to see her fly...

Here it is translated from English into traditional Chinese characters and back into English:

The dog naps. Store closure. I discover I'm persisted laundromat brings the waiter in the Christmas day in the elevator to warm them gentleman Hamburg in the dryer is a snow which starlet busy does not stop

And she goes in, does not have her upper and lower garments, she flies an open cockpit monoplane to pass Scrooge' Uncle's eye, when from the sidewalk, I hears likes from the coconut tree and the deciduous teeth looking her flight...

The liquor stores are empty, the car won't start
The Christmas decorations are falling apart
The temperature is dropping, the sky is grey
Gonna have a big dead bird for dinner
On Christmas Day

Papa's nerves get frazzled, & wearing thin
Mama in her wisdom gets drunk on gin
The kids go build a roadblock for Santa's sleigh
Gonna have a big dead bird for dinner
On Christmas Day

Here are the same verses once again in English, but not before first going through Dutch, French, and German. Actually, they're still amazingly intact:

L'entreposage of beverage alcoholic is empty; the motor vehicle will not begin.
The decoration of Christmas decomposes.
The temperature leaves the cases of the skies is grey.
A large bird dead for the dinner
The day of Christmas to have go.

Papa's the nerves received frazzled mincement and carriers.
The mummy in its wisdom is dronken on the wacholder.
The young kids go the construction style a dam for sleigh Santa's.
A large bird dead for the dinner
The day of Christmas to have go.

What's on a cockroach Christmas list
The answer to all their prayers
A nuclear war has taken its toll
And all of the world is theirs

All of the crackers, all of the jam
Never the need to hide
No more the rolled up Newsweek of doom
No more insecticide

Here it is Russianed then re-Englished:

It is located on the list of Christmas of cockroach?
Answer to all their prayers.
Nuclear war assumed its duty,
And entire of the peace theirs.

Entire of the crackers, everything of the jam
Never the need to hide.
No more of that convoluted upward on the week of the news of doom;
No more insecticide.

This translation gave me a fine surprise. The phrase and all of the world is theirs translated to and entire of the peace theirs. So I went back to the site and typed in "world." This was translated into a Russian word which I then retranslated to English. The result? "The peace." I found another translation site, PROMPT Online3 (http://translation2.paralink.com/), and plugged in the same Russian word. It came back as "The world."

So it seems someone on the Russian-to-English arm of Alta Vista left an editorial message. Same one as I have: The Peace to us all. [UPDATE, 12/8/04: A reader has brought it to my attention that the Russian word "MIR" means both "peace" and "world." So it's still a fine surprise, but one I should have known about what with the space station and all. More in next month's Whither Zither.]

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