by Peter Berryman

December 2003

Spray Them Gold

As 78 rpm records became obsolete, folk artists began recycling them by heat-warping their edges into scallops, decorating them with plastic fruits and flowers, painting the creations gold, and hanging them (nail holes already provided) on the paneling behind the rabbit ears. My musical partner Lou's mother had two such mandalas in her Appleton living room in the 60s, decorated with plastic grape bunches.

When our own LPs were eclipsed by CD technology, we were left with thousands of the big old things, and thought back to that accessorized Appleton wall. In 1992 we came out with a sing-along called Spray Them Gold, relevant but inappropriately released on a CD. Too bad we couldn't have put it on an LP, as a self-referential recycling mantra. Here's a verse and the chorus:

As you play, all your new CDs
Give a thought, to your old LPs
Throw them out, with a cold cold heart
Or transform those LPs into art...

Chorus:
Spray them gold, like the harvest moon
Hang them up, in your living room
Go right now, to where paint is sold
Buy a can, go outside, spray them gold.

We followed our own advice. Vinyl LPs bend at a relatively low temperature, as anyone knows who has left Shatner Sings Piaf in the back window of their '76 Malibu . We warped onward with our own begraped gold-plated wall hangings, but having so many of the records to recycle, we didn't stop there. For our own education and to enhance (?) the visuals of our shows, we bent our LPs into vinyl shoes, working clocks, model airplanes with actual battery operated propellers, spinning hypno-disks, lamps, candle holders, shaving cream dispensers, and cymbals for people who love the concept but hate the sound. As payola to folk DJs or as potluck finger food centerpieces, we created LP candy-trays, complete with marshmallow circus peanuts, Maple Nut Goodies, and Twizzlers tacked down in patterns with sugar-water glue. (These we did not spray gold.)

One of our more popular LP creations, invented by Lou, was the CD holder, good for displaying a dozen CDs in ironic splendor. Unstoppably inventive, recently Lou edged her front walk with scalloped LPs. Gorgeous!

Many of these molten memories had cooled considerably on the walls of time when a hot new flash arrived in our PO Box a few weeks ago in the form of a festive suggestion. Jane Holloway of Granville, Ohio has gone us one better and has invented the Spray Them Gold Party! With her kind permission I've summarized her instructions for anyone interested in hosting such a warperee:

Ms Holloway's how-to sheet includes a list of materials ("glue guns, gold paint, assorted decorations..."), invitation instructions ("...your friends must bring a sacrificial 33 rpm record..."), procedural fine points ("When everyone is there, go around and have each person say what record they have brought and why they want to sacrifice it"), a sound track recommendation which I humbly mention involves our song, and actual LP baking instructions (150 degrees for a few minutes, but pre-party experiments are recommended).

Prizes are also suggested. Jane recommends the standards: Most Beautiful LP Art, Most Original, etc., but also encourages you to "... make up your categories based on the LP creations you get so everyone gets a prize." In the inspirational photographs Jane sent of her own Spray Them Gold gala, a proud couple is shown holding their turtle-like LP sculpture in front of an award certificate for "Most Reptilian." I dig this individualized award idea; it reminds me of the dog contest in which my nephew's pooch won the "Dog With The Waggiest Tail" award.

Additional tips from the Whither Zither Laboratories:

You can place the center of the LP on a raised object in the oven, like a block of wood or an empty soup can, and watch as the LP heats up and the sides droop thanks to gravity. This usually makes nice fairly uniform scallops automatically.
As Jane mentions, you can cut the warm LP with scissors, though you have to work pretty fast, as the vinyl becomes brittle again as it cools.
The LPs can be shaped with fingers, because it's still warm enough to bend when it's cool enough to touch. Just be careful not to overheat.
We have also shaped them using hair dryers, light bulbs, and various other heating devices, including that '76 Malibu in the sun. Open flames work, such as candles, but should only be used in rolling blackout emergencies because of the obvious fire hazard.
Vinyl can be drilled with a regular electric or hand drill for insertion of bolts, shoelaces, wires, twine, screws, spaghetti, shower curtain hooks, etc.
Clocks are fun to make because of the LP's handy hole. You can buy clock mechanisms at craft stores, but it's often cheaper to buy old clocks at Goodwill and rescue the works for your LP.
If you travel a lot between Spray Them Gold parties, and stay in cheap motels, you can leave samples of your artwork hanging on motel walls; it usually fits in quite nicely with the decor.
You have to be careful with lamps, either wall hung, with the LP acting as reflector, or table models with LP shades and bases, because the light bulb can further warp your creation if placed too close to the plastic. No doubt this is a potential fire hazard so should be used only when attended, though LP lamp bases with non-LP lampshades probably would be pretty safe.

When we sang our song on the Riders In The Sky show a number of years ago, Ranger Doug told us that they had a basement full of 8-track tape cartridges left, and listening to our song the idea came to him: Birdhouses! I should check in with him and see how the hot glue gun is holding up. And I suppose the time has come for the Whither Zither Labs to begin CD warping trials. After all, this may be the world's last chance for obsolete platter sculpture; you can't spray gold an MP3.

Sincere thanks to Jane Holloway for the inspiration for this episode, and for the marvelous idea of the Spray Them Gold party. Wait till Martha Stewart gets a whiff of warm vinyl.

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